Add this to your Political Table of the Ailments

The Heaviest Element

A major research institution has just announced the discovery
of the heaviest and most hazardous element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Bushcronium."

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an Atomic
mass of 311.

These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called peons.

Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take over
4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange
places.

In fact, Bushcronium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to
as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an
element which radiates orders of magnitude, more energy, albeit
as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many
morons.

courtesy, again, my friend Amy at Turner